Finding a Secure Relationship: The 4 Attachment Types

Today's blog is all about being secure in a relationship. I designated myself to write this blog because I used to be the Queen of failed relationships, so I've got a lot of experience in this field. 

This week I am approaching relationships from a psychological perspective. There are four different types of "attachments" when being in a relationship. There's being secure, dismissive, anxious-preoccupied and fearful avoidant. Now, in order for a relationship to truly work and blossom both parties need to be secure.  Unfortunately, prior relationships along with our childhood upbringing can leave us with some serious attachment issues. Trust me, I've had some of these issues myself, but was able to overcome them by becoming aware of what I was doing. 

Being Secure

secure attachment psychology dating 

Securely attached people tend to have positive views of themselves and their attachments. They’re the type that are happy to be in a relationship but can also be just fine rolling solo. They trust that girls' night and guys' night will be totally cool. These people are usually the happiest in their relationships. In order to have an awesome partnership, you've really gotta be secure. 


 dismissive attachment psychology dating

People who are Dismissive are pretty cool with a "no strings attached" relationship, or a relationship that isn’t super intimate. They feel like they need their independence and are totally self-sufficient. A lot of Dismissives are completely fine with not being in a relationship at all... 

They may even view their attachments as less positive than themselves. Is being Dismissive a bad thing? No, but it can be very hard to find love and a lasting relationship while being Dismissive. The first step is to realize, "holy shit, I’m dismissive!"

And if you want a loving relationship, take some steps to make some changes, and truly let someone else into your world. 


 anxious preoccupied attachment psychology dating

This type of attachment craves intimacy but feels a little doubtful about their own self-worth, making it harder for them to trust that they are loved and cared for. If they team up with someone dismissive they may be classified as "needy." This attachment can be worked on, with a little bit of self-love and a realization of self-worth. Once you love yourself, you'll open up to truly loving another. 


 fearful avoidant attachment psychology dating

This is the type of person that is all lovey-dovey and then BOOM they get scared and run away... And, then come back again. I think Katy Perry put it best as love bi-polar. This behavior usually stems from being hurt in the past either by their parents or by prior relationships. The way to overcome this is through self-love and trust. 

I was personally fearful avoidant for many years. I would literally jump into a relationship then break up with that person and then jump right back in, over and over again. People would always ask me how I was never married, and this was 100% why. It's only been in the last few years that I've been able to break that pattern by realizing my behavior. Also, I have learned to love and respect myself and my partner and finally I am in a secure relationship 💜.